Snot Vampire Story:Episode One

Episode One, The Snot Vampire returns to his lair.

The night is close.

A fog creeps in disguised as a thin rain.

Spigot Talens's boots squelch with every footfall and a glistening slime oozes down each ankle but you'd have to have very good vision to detect his footprints on the slick uneven sidewalk as he proceeds across Grafton Bridge heading towards his Grafton flat.

He's had a long and satisfying night, he thinks back to the horrible nightclub so dark and expensive and full of grating ugly music.

Kahlua and milk!

That what she was drinking, and that's what Spigot was buying for her, round after round, getting her not shitfaced but snotfaced, and Spigot licks his lips at the memory of the sweet taste of her snot, sweeter by far than any mere alcohol-rich cocktail, sweeter than life itself and now he can breath easily, the walk home passes in a dream, he's like a junkie who's just had the spike, or a cat that's just had the oil from a tin of sardines. He plods on and his feet leak slime and the slime mingles on the slick footpath imperceptibly covering the splotches of old chewing gum,and coating the tarmac with prints of a slightly different heat-signature, soon to fade and dissolve.

Spigot is a snot vampire.

Its not a condition he even thinks much about now, not since, how long ago? A decade? two? He laughs aloud and a passing street kid looks up, suddenly chilled by the sound,momentarily forgetting to huff his plastic bag of spray-on glue.

No, Spigot's been this way for thirty three years.

The first decade was the hardest. After the accident at the allergy testing clinic there was the compo, then came the visits to doctors then specialists,then the inevitable psychiatric assessments and the gradual realisation that he'd be banged up if he told them the truth.

A sickly paleness threatens dawn. He's home now the key turns in the old lock and he's inside,and he follows the mildewed track in the bare carpet up the stairs to his room at the top of the old house, no more pesky flatmates to worry about,they all left years back, he can afford the place all to himself. He pries off his boots and wipes his moist feet on a towel, then throws the towel onto a heap of damp towels that molders in a corner.Stretched out on the bed he dozes idly his mind runs back to the sight of the girl's nostrils, zooms up on the left one, which appears to grow, the darkness of that delightful orifice at last engulfing his consciousness as he wafts into a slumber.

The snot vampire can sleep at last, satiated and oblivious.

Episode two:Industrial Accident causes a Mucose Mutant

So how does it happen? How does a normal hard working lab technician become a such a fiend?

It happened like this

Spigot was keen as mustard to put in the hours at his new job , so keen that he always volunteered to do the night shift, even if it did cut into his social life a tad.

So there he is, at about three one morning tired and drowsy checking the big vats at the allergy testing clinic, a lowwley lab technician, clipboard in hand , safety goggles slightly fogged nimbly traversing the slick cat-walk between the huge vats of slime ,he's got dozens of gauges to check and samples to take, it's all part of his job but he's green, not quite paying attention as he leans out to read a condensation covered dial, and he slips, falls and the only thing that he thinks might save him as he falls are some cables that droop low over the vats. For a moment he's suspended, then the wires break and he topples into a vat.It turns out that the cables are live He's electrocuted whilst almost drowning in mucous!

The morning shift discovers his inert form slumped in an empty vat, for several hours he's been the anode in a grizzly electrolyte and the slime has disappeared,but he's alive and oddly bloated and pale, as he recovers slowly in hospital his blood tests make no sense.Already he's dreaming of nasal nectar and is released, gets back to work and then only wants the night shift- shuns the daylight altogether and soon realises that his days of normalcy are well and truly over and he's joined the ranks of the un-dry, his cravings are unspeakable and unstoppable his thirst for snot grows but he can secretly slake his thirst at his work, The allergy testing clinic has never had such a dedicated toiler, never calls in sick, because his sickness is fixed at every shift as he surreptitiously slurps the stale collections of slime,and so it might have stayed but his thirst for fresh snot grows.

He starts to prowl the nightspots, women with hay fever are his favoured prey but soon he's an expert on all the beverages that might produce a runny nose, milky cocktails, cheap red wine that can promote a sneeze by the second glass, certain brands of sickly alco-pops, he's an expert seducer, his slimey patter soon becomes hipnotic and he has a secret weapon that he can pull out in a dim club, a giant clot he can slowly extract from his own nose to swing and mesmerise his intended victim, whilst smoothly intoning the words "You are getting sleepy, you want to run away but only your nose is running"

EPISODE THREE

Introducing Candy Histamine, Private Vampire Eye,

The sign on the stippled glass on her office door reads-" Candy Histamine - Private Vampire Eye", and behind the door is a seedy, down at heel, reception area, a few old chairs a low table, with some wilted dusty magazines, a dentist's waiting room in a place like Bruno would have a similar atmosphere.

At the reception desk sits a snazzy young man ,sharp suit, clean cut and alert, Brad looks completely out of place. Most of the day he surfs the net but his real job is to usher in the clients for Candy.

She's in her inner sanctum surrounded by books on the occult and framed certificates attesting to her prowess as an ace vampire tracker.

She's reading some reports on some very strange complaints. Single girls at nightclubs. Sinus dehydration , loss of memory, all the signs. The reports point to one thing and one thing only. Candy knows she'll relish this case.

Soon the hunt will begin.

A worthy Vampire Eye needs a worthy Vampire to hunt and today she's hot to sink her teeth into a big case!

Candy looks up as a discreet knock on the door announces her first client of the day.

Still dressed up from her night out and looking a tad dessicated, the forlorn young girl has been recommended to Candy Histamine from the Ministry of Oddness (she always gets her best referrals from them) and the girl has an all too familiar tale of nasal nastiness to tell . No memory of any actual nose slurping or sucking but a vague dry horror that won't let her sleep. No signs at all of the usual seasonal hay fever. Candy recognises all the tell tale signs, she dismisses the victim and soon Candy Histamine knows that she must start tracking down the fiend.

Candy packs up the giant cotton bud that will be instrumental in the demise of the beast and with a sneaky, hungry look on her face hides a pearl handled bone saw in her bag.

" Hold the fort Brad "she snaps

"Ive got some hot leads to follow up- this slime bag is going to be toast"

Brad gags

" Nice choice of words boss!" he calls after her but she doesn't hear him.
Quick as a punch biopsy Candy has left the building.

part 4

She jumps into her mint Hillman Avenger and tosses the grab bag of goodies onto the passenger seat.
The handle of her bone saw peeps out , glinting in the watery sun.Wait a minute! ..the key poised about to turn in the ignition...this vampire is getting busy ,she cogitates,...he's getting plenty of snot but if he wants to really slurp his teeth into this city's mucous, he'll start thinking big ... they all do... so she might as well try being one step ahead of him...
.The Reservoir! Of course! he will try to poison the water supply, she can feel it in her water!
( as well as the tickling excitement of the commencement of the chase.
A stake out is what 's needed and, after a steak, done rare, she's heads up the hill.
The biggest reservoir nearby has a big car park on top and great sweeping views.
It's a popular lunch spot for van encased tradesmen.
there's the one van that takes her attention as a guy gets into the driver's seat. He's been stretching in the sun looking at the view and he's brushing crumbs from his overalls, looks like he's just finishing his lunch.

He doesn't really look the type to be a dastardly villain, but he is loitering and she's more that a bit curious... she saunters over he watches her approach coolly. She looks him up and down, a plumber? Electrical engineer?. She notes the taught musculature.... a scaffolder.
Nice day for it! He says--Candy is casual,
"yeah" she says.."what ever 'it' is..
gradually the chit chat gets really small and before they know it a secret challenge lies between them, Candy is carnally hungry and him ... well he's just a young guy bored and having trouble with is girlfriend who has gone to stay with her mum. Been away a week. He's busily thinking of some excuse for the boss for this arvo as she climbs in van and over into the darkness behind the front seats.

-- .... meanwhile.... a sweaty, puffing Spigot finally gets to the top of the reservoir,he's lugging a bulky bag that clinks a bit and anyone who notices his slightly dishevelled form might take him for a wino with a full cache.
He's lost in contemplation and more than a bit satisfied with his busy previous night.
two young lovelies both hypnotized to go to the Harry Balefonte Cheese factory and at his bidding steal some very potent cheese making chemicals and deliver them to the loading bay of, you guessed it, the allergy testing clinic, where , with the help of some other reagents Spigot got to work making.....SNOT-A-LOT. Home brew most diabolical!
Enough to poison the town! But... what's this? the normally quiet car park at the top of the reservoir has a peculiarity. There's a white van rocking violently, noises coming from it. he senses danger. Access to the vast lake of drinking water is via a small shed and it's quite some distance from the van. He's broken the lock to the shed in a flash and down a long ladder to an echoing space that now echos to the splash of his potion, all six bottles mingling with the mass of clean wet H2O
He's off in a split second, tired but doubly satisfied.
He doesn't see Candy emerge from the van picking her teeth and wiping blood from her dress, and she... well she's got her mouth full and has left overs that she's stashing in her car. She knows a crocked butcher in Grey Lynn who will dispose of the corpse. Se wipes her bone saw. she starts her car in a dreamy trance . She's full and happy. She is... a secret foot cannibal . She eats only the finest feet from fit young guys.
The sweatier the better. Pity she had to dispatch that one. Now that was a humdinger of a guy. The Snot Vampire can wait. now she has fed.
The next morning she's enjoying cold cuts with coffee when... drip drip drip!
blast! She knows that her hunch was right. The electric jug, filled from the tap. The whole town has a runny nose as the SNOT-A -LOT takes hold...........